7/31/2025 - Heartbroken

Well.

I don't think anybody actually reads this, perhaps I am screaming into the void, but nonetheless, here I am writing.

As per my last blogpost, I have fallen in love with somebody. I asked him what we were going to do in the months apart before he came to visit me, and he took a few days to think about it, and decided long-distance was something he couldn't commit to.

I harbor no negative feelings towards him for that. I truly do understand. As someone who has gone years without any serious romantic anything, I personally am totally okay with long distance. But I understand that he can't.

I have never, ever been into somebody this much. I cried for 5 days straight when he told me, and I am still so truly utterly sad. All signs pointed to this thing continuing, but it seems that it won't. It pains me so greatly to think of the fact that I will never see him again. And it pains me to think of someone else getting to be with him just because of our circumstances. And it doesn't help that I am in a foreign country where I am completely and totally alone for the next 2 or so weeks without anybody I know. I am just so completely and totally sad, more than I can describe with words on this here website.

I have never been heartbroken before. I have never cried over a man before. And I have also never been as open and bore my heart as truly and honestly as I had with him. I have never let myself be so truly myself with a man before. He was a lot of firsts for me, and perhaps it was naive, but fuck, I really did see this going somewhere. My month with him was the happiest I have ever been. I woke up every day with a smile, just so truly happy with where I was in life, and so excited to see him again. I skipped quite a few trips and excursions with my school group to go see him. I don't regret it, no, and I wouldn't ever give our experiences up for anything. It just fucking hurts.

As I mentioned in my last blogpost, he planned to visit me in America this fall. I spent our month together thinking of all the things we could do, all the friends I would have him meet. I was ready for him to meet my family and have him in my home, which, I know nobody here knows me irl, but that is wild for me. He said he will not come to America anymore.

It really does seem like I'll never see him again. And perhaps that's true. But fuck, part of me really is still holding onto some semblance of hope that we will meet again someday. It takes every bit of strength not to call him. I see things that remind me of him and I want nothing more than to just text him or hear his voice. And maybe I will one day once I've healed, but I know doing that now would just make everything harder for both of us. So I'll wait.

So, that's it for now. Fuck this so hard, man! I know I will get over it eventually, and that time heals all wounds, but it is so difficult at the moment. Just have to get through this.